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Commentary: A game too drunk to describe

Where the hell do you start with that?

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I tweeted that in overtime after Auburn missed a 44-yard field goal that would have given the home Tigers a 17-14 lead. It was hardly the first OMG play of Saturday’s game, but it also definitely wasn’t the last. It was just one in a series of moments that will undoubtedly having Tiger fans comparing this game to the Fifth Down and the Kick and Catch and Tyus Edney and whatever other “How the hell did Mizzou Mizzou that game this time” game you want to add to the list of the most Mizzou things ever.

For a school—and a fanbase—that has shaped virtually its entire identity out of finding wild ways to lose, Saturday’s game did everything it could to earn a spot on that list.

Continuing with the analogy in the tweet above, I’m going to try a bit here. I mean, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry. And you may not laugh, but it’s worth a shot.

The first quarter of this game was like a trip to Les Bourgeois. You know what’s going to happen when you say you’ll go. You’re going to try your best to keep it from happening. You know you should just have the one bottle of Riverboat Red and call it a night. But damn it, it tastes like Kool-Aid and there’s no way it’s gonna get you drunk. You know what Missouri’s history is on the road. You know the first quarter is awful. You know that before today Mizzou had been outscored 179-88 in the first quarter against Power Five teams under Eli Drinkwitz. But, damn it, you let yourself do it again. You went to the winery. Don’t act surprised you got blackout drunk and didn’t remember coming home. Don’t act surprised Missouri was down 14-0 before you got a glass of water to try to slow the effects.

The second quarter, well, that’s what we call the Puke and Rally, friends. Sure, Mizzou vomited on Jordan-Hare’s natural grass to start the game. But guess what? Just because you’re bombed at 7:30 doesn’t mean the night has to be over. Plenty of people have gone to Happy Hour and called it a night. But not you! You’re better than that! By God, you’re gonna suddenly find a defense in the second quarter. You’re gonna have an offense that puts together a drive. You’re gonna get a short field. You’re gonna let it hang out and go for it on fourth and goal from inside the one and that quarterback you’ve been cussing at all day is going to sneak it behind that offensive line you’ve been cussing at all season and by God the game is going to be tied. Puke and rally, fellas. The night is young.

Mevis missed a 26-yard field goal that would have given Mizzou the win in regulation
Mevis missed a 26-yard field goal that would have given Mizzou the win in regulation (Gabe DeArmond)

The first 28 minutes of the second half? That one’s easy. That’s the freshman that just can’t handle his alcohol during rush week. You’ve been here. You know how to handle it. You know it’s an all day every day job and you’re going to need some stamina. You can’t use all 14 points you have in the first half. You’ve got to space those things out! They’re precious. But there were Mizzou and Auburn, three-and-outing their way to a collective 12-pack of consecutive punts. Twelve possessions, twelve punts. And then Auburn had a glimmer. The idiot freshman who had fallen down six nights in a row got it together for just a second. And he got it to the Mizzou 29-yard line. And he inexplicably slid a yard short of the first down marker and his head coach (there’s got to be a way to figure Bryan Harsin, who doesn’t appear super interested in keeping a job nobody in Auburn wants him to keep, into this analogy right?) decides he has more faith in his impotent offense than he does his inept kicker and he goes for it on fourth and one and he doesn’t get it and well, of course he doesn’t. You saw the freshman fall down the first six nights. Did you really think he was gonna stand up and learn to handle his liquor on the seventh night? That’s an upperclassman thing. Or at least a second semester thing. This kid just isn’t used to the lifestyle yet.

On the final drive of regulation, Mizzou got to the five-yard line and opted to do exactly what Harsin didn’t: Trust its kicker. The difference, of course, is that Auburn’s kicker hasn’t made one from more than 50 yards in three years and Harrison Mevis hasn’t missed one under 30, well, ever. Mevis missing a 26-yarder is the kind of thing that leads a grizzled vet of a reporter to compare a football game to Field House penny pitchers and then to come up with the hare-brained idea of basing an entire column around the idea.

But then, against all odds, it got crazier. How is that possible? You’d reached levels of intoxicated idiocy it seemed impossible to reach. You were still upright. You’d taken on quarter draws and bottomless cup and penny pitchers and it was 1 a.m. and the bars were closing and all you could think is “WHERE IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO GET MY NEXT DRINK? I CANNOT GO HOME YET. I AM BETTER THAN THIS.”

Well, Mizzou and Auburn were there to deliver. A quick synopsis of overtime:

Auburn loses four yards in three plays.

The third play is an interception by Martez Manuel off a tip from Daylan Carnell.

Replay reverses the call. Auburn has a chance to salvage a field goal.

The field goal misses badly from 44 yards. Mizzou was offsides. Auburn has another chance to salvage a field goal.

Auburn makes a 39-yard field goal.

Peat stands shocked in the end zone after his fumble on the final play resulted in Auburn's 17-14 win
Peat stands shocked in the end zone after his fumble on the final play resulted in Auburn's 17-14 win (USA Today)

Nate Peat breaks outside to daylight down the sideline. He tightropes said sideline and stays inbounds. He is six feet from winning the game and potentially saving the season for the hometown team to which he transferred back before this season. He reaches. The ball slips out. Auburn covers it. Missouri loses.

How do you put into words how insane this one was? I don’t know. I tried by comparing it to drunken experiences we all had at Mizzou. I don’t really know if it worked. But I don’t know how else to explain it. Because what happened on Saturday doesn’t happen in normal football games. Maybe one of those nights happens. But we all have those nights. Maybe we make the mistake of thinking it was an aberration and coming back the next night and trying again. But by the third time, most of us figure it out. We lay off the booze, at least for a night. Today wasn’t that day. Missouri and Auburn played the drunkest football game I think I’ve ever seen. And, on brand as always, Missouri fans will wake up on Sunday morning with only one thought: What the hell happened?

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