The Michael Porter Jr. era is off to a complicated start. The problem with Porter is a tweaked hip, or so said a team spokesperson at halftime of Missouri’s season opener against Iowa State, when Porter could still sit on a cushioned folding chair for hour-long stretches.
By game’s end, the source of Porter’s discomfort had grown fuzzy. There was something wrong with his leg, coach Cuonzo Martin said.
The location of Porter himself became the source of intrigue three nights later, as he was nowhere to be found in the pregame shootaround nor on the bench during the victory over Wagner — definitely not the usual protocol for an injured player. That created the maximum amount of speculation about Porter, and indeed the postgame press conference was all about the man who wasn’t there.
“The truth of the matter is I’m not a doctor,” Martin said. “I can’t give you more than that. I don’t want give you more than that. It’s not my job to give that out of respect for Mike and his family.”
Martin missed the point of the phrase “I’m not a doctor.” It is meant to be followed with “but …” and then a half-baked diagnosis of what’s wrong with someone else. Just use words like “sacroiliac” and “sciatic nerve” confidently and nobody has to know you were a hotel and restaurant management major.
Saying “I’m not a doctor” and not offering amateur medical advice is like saying, “No offense,” and not insulting someone.
And then Martin made the ultimate mistake of declaring Porter’s status as “day-to-day,” which is an invitation for daily media updates on what might or might not be a serious hip/leg injury leading up to Thursday’s game at Utah, which Porter did not attend.
If he’s growing weary of the Porter scrutiny, Martin needs to step up his press conference game, with the help of a coach’s best linguistic friends — inapplicable rhetorical questions and straw-man arguments.
Here is an example of how it could play out:
Q: Can you give us an update on Michael Porter Jr.’s status?
A: Am I happy that the potential No. 1 pick in the 2018 NBA draft isn’t playing? No. Am I thrilled that he didn’t contract encephalitis on a recent trip to Thailand? Absolutely!
Q: Michael Porter Jr. recently went to Thailand?
A: Of course not. Did I not just say he didn’t contract encephalitis in Thailand? I don’t know how much more clear I can be. I’m trying to win basketball games, and I’ve got reporters asking me about viral infections in Southeast Asia. Unbelievable.
Q: What is his specific injury?
A: What is health, really? Aren’t we all minutes closer to death than we were when this press conference began? Am I happy each of our hearts is ticking ever closer to its final beat? No. Am I pleased a meteor didn’t hit the arena during the second half? You bet.
Q: Talk about Michael Porter Jr.
A: That is not a question.
Q: Could you please say something about Michael Porter Jr.? Could you use your mouth to say words that include “Michael” and “Porter” and “Jr.?”
A: I’ve heard people in this room say Michael Porter Jr. was in Thailand. That’s how ridiculous the situation has become.
Q: Weren’t you the one who brought up the whole Thailand thing?
A: Am I not in this room? I am clearly in this room.
Q: Can you just talk about the game?
A: I’d love to.
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So many fans looked at the start of Porter’s college career as disappointing — he has played two out of possible 120 minutes and scored two points.
What the Negative Nancies fail to tell you is he has already passed Dominique Bull on Missouri’s career scoring list.
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Cross country isn’t really my thing. I would rank running a long distance as my fourth favorite thing to do on a golf course — behind golfing, driving a cart and mowing the grass. Do college teams even race on golf courses? I don’t really know. I could probably look it up.
I think you’ve now got a good sense of my interest in cross country, but I did want to check out the NCAA Championships on Saturday to see if Missouri’s Karissa Schweizer could defend her national title.
She is one of the all-time great MU athletes and had perhaps the best individual year of any Tiger ever when she added NCAA indoor and outdoor titles in the 5,000 meters to her cross country championship.
So I was disappointed to learn the NCAA meet is available only online to FloTrack Pro subscribers. A monthly subscription is $19.99. My cross country curiosity has its limits.
If it’s anything like last year’s race, Schweizer will end with a powerful finishing kick. Just as if I were running in the race, I will see what happens at the finish line long after she crosses it.
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In the six years Missouri has been in the Southeastern Conference, we’ve heard the Tigers need to take advantage of the football downturn of the Eastern Division now because it won’t last long. Florida and Tennessee are too rich and care too much about football to be nationally irrelevant for long, or so it is said.
However, the East has shown no signs of improvement in six years, and the Gators and Volunteers are each searching for their third full-time head coach in that span.
Maybe they’ll get it right this time. The rumor mill has tied Florida to Chip Kelly and Tennessee — as usual — to Jon Gruden. Those would be big-name hires, and Kelly almost certainly would succeed if he didn’t run afoul of the NCAA again.
But if Florida and Tennessee lured those guys out of retirement, it would be a rare occurrence. Even landing another current Power Five head coach would be unusual.
Florida’s last two hires were a defensive coordinator (Will Muschamp, from Texas) and a Group of Five head coach (Jim McElwain, from Colorado State). Tennessee’s last two hires were Group of Five head coaches (Derek Dooley, from Louisiana Tech; Butch Jones, from Cincinnati).
Last year, eight Power Five schools hired coaches, and none of them hired another employed Power Five coach. The previous year, 13 Power Five schools hired coaches, and none of them hired another employed Power Five coach.
That trend might end if Florida or Tennessee aggressively courts Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen, a former offensive coordinator under Urban Meyer for the Gators. To me, he’s the most attainable sure thing.
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Before football season started, I thought Missouri would win all of its non-conference games, lose to Auburn and Georgia and be involved in six toss-ups. If the Tigers could win half of those 50-50 games — a reasonable expectation — they would go 7-5.
They might well go 7-5, but the games have not been toss-ups.
Mizzou’s 40-34 loss at Kentucky was its only one of the year decided by fewer than 18 points. This season has been the equivalent of a “Rocky” sequel, in which the Tigers absorbed 200 direct shots to the head for six rounds and then, despite eyes swollen shut and catastrophic brain damage, started landing hundreds of unanswered haymakers in the late rounds.
The fourth quarters have been little more than showcases for scout-teamers, which is nice for them but dull for everyone else. I could not have imagined typing this in September, but it would be more interesting if Missouri dominated less.
I doubt that happens Saturday at Vanderbilt. I think the Tigers will roll again by a score of 48-14 or something like that. But let me give you a far more dependable prediction: Considering the final regular-season opponent, regardless of what he does on the field against Vanderbilt, linebacker Eric Beisel will be requested for interviews by every Missouri reporter.
