This weekend, several Southeastern Conference football teams are pulling out of their driveway into high-speed traffic. No opener is bigger than No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 3 Florida State. What remains of the Florida roster will play Michigan in another battle of ranked teams. Texas A&M vs. UCLA, Tennessee vs. Georgia Tech and South Carolina vs. North Carolina State should be highly competitive.

If Missouri begins Year Two of the Barry Odom era with a highly competitive game, something will have gone seriously wrong for the Tigers against Missouri State.

Saturday’s annual date with a Football Championship Subdivision opponent has all the trappings of a regular game — like 15-minute quarters, unless it’s mutually agreed otherwise — without the drama. FCS schools can give only 63 scholarships, compared to 85 for Football Bowl Subdivision teams. Across the nation, a handful of underdogs win these games each year, but the Tigers have never lost to an FCS team.

The last time Missouri didn’t play an FCS team was 2005, and there’s a reason for that. How about a little history?

In 1978, Division I football divided itself into I-A and I-AA. Those divisions were later renamed FBS and FCS. Until 2005, matchups between the divisions were occasional, but when the NCAA changed its policy from allowing a victory over an FCS school to count toward bowl eligibility once every four years to once every year, the vast majority of FBS teams leaped at the chance to pad their records.

There have been a few holdouts on principle — Notre Dame, USC and UCLA have never scheduled an FCS opponent.

The Big Ten banned FCS games two years ago but has since added a caveat. The league plays a nine-game conference schedule, so every other year, teams get only four Big Ten home games. In those years, they are allowed to play an FCS opponent.

Financially, these games make some sense for both parties. The going rate for a FCS opponent to visit your stadium is about half of that for a FBS opponent. Last year, Missouri paid Delaware State $525,000 and paid Middle Tennessee State $1.1 million. The Blue Raiders didn’t even show the common courtesy of losing the game. The nerve.

Mizzou will pay Missouri State $400,000. That money is significant for Missouri State, which announced in April it was dropping its women’s field hockey team — while adding women’s beach volleyball — as part of an effort to shave $1 million from last year’s budget of $16 million.

Since FCS games have become schedule fixtures nationwide, there’s no sense bemoaning them. But they should at least be intelligently scheduled.

No. 1, it should be the season opener. This is the equivalent of an NFL preseason game, and preseason games shouldn’t be played in October.

No. 2, the opponent should be from the region and preferably be a school with a coach or athletic director whom you regard with some fondness. Regional opponents are likely to bring more than a few dozen fans. And if you’re writing a check, it might as well be to a friend.

No. 3, the opponent should have no hope of winning. I have no idea why Iowa scheduled perennial FCS power North Dakota State last year, but the Hawkeyes got what they deserved when they lost. Ideally, though, the opponent isn’t so bad that the game is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

Missouri’s 79-0 victory over Delaware State last year was a waste. It was the fourth game of the season against a school located half a country away. The Hornets were so overmatched that the teams agreed to shorten the third and fourth quarters to 10 minutes.

This time around, there should be a fair sprinkling of maroon and white among the black and gold. Missouri State coach Dave Steckel is a former MU defensive coordinator with three former MU players — Kenji Jackson, Munir Prince and Jason Ray — on his staff. The Bears, who went 4-7 last year, are no threat to beat the Tigers but are way better than Delaware State, which went winless last year.

That’s not to say the game will be compelling, but it will be over in plenty of time to get to a television and watch the Crimson Tide and Seminoles.

Speaking of Steckel, I read with interest the stories on Stec by the St. Louis Post-Dispatch’s Dave Matter and The Kansas City Star’s Vahe Gregorian in the last week. Both writers noted that Steckel’s slogan, “Bear Up,” originated from his affection for “Seinfeld” character Cosmo Kramer and his catchphrase, “Giddy Up.”

I had Stec pegged as more of a “Soup Nazi” man. Asking a question of the former Marine during his time at Missouri was as fraught with potential rejection as a casual request for mulligatawny.

As you began to ask your question, his eyes bore deeply into yours, his expression giving no hint of mirth. When you finished, Steckel did not immediately answer. He continued to stare, allowing the silence to build, until your natural instinct was to fill the void with more words, repeating and clarifying and stammering and yammering. As this went on, he had this thing where he cocked his head to the side and continued to stare, giving the impression this was the dumbest combination of words he had ever heard.

Every great artist has his or her gift, and Stec was the Picasso of the awkward pause.

Once you figured out the routine was to submit a short question and then gaze at your toes while repeating internal mantras of self-affirmation, it went more smoothly. One of the most entertaining parts of weekly media days was to watch from a safe distance as a confident new journalist strolled up to Steckel and then slouched away defeated ten minutes later.

No quote for you!

If you are attending Saturday’s game, it’s important to remember the SEC has some stringent new rules on what you can bring into the stadium. The short version is that you can bring one clear bag and a small clutch bag/purse, which is subject to search.

If you’re still unsure what is allowable, here is a quick guide.

1. Can I bring my offspring? You can. But bringing a diaper bag is prohibited. If you want to bring in diapers, they must be carried in a clear bag. Out of respect to all who will be leaving with you, please do not carry diapers out of the stadium in a clear bag.

2. What about fanny packs? The answer is no. The answer is no on so many levels.

3. Are my shirts and hats bearing the old Tiger paw logo still allowable? Technically yes, but if your garment were a human, it would be of voting age.

4. Does wearing cargo shorts give me the equivalent of four extra bags? Yes, and that is why they will never go out of style.