When you watch Missouri play football, you know there will be a few field goal attempts, a dozen punts and a game that slowly slips away. It’s like a lover breaking up with you in a Walmart and then puttering toward the exit in a Rascal scooter.
Do not get your hopes up when the scooter pauses halfway down the aisle. Your lover is merely grabbing a 24-pack of Diet Dr. Thunder for the road.
You question why the Rascal is necessary at all. Your lover was ambulatory as of five weeks ago. Did something injurious happen behind closed doors? Your lover hasn’t explained, not to your satisfaction.
Your lover, who as we speak is sassing and shoving a Walmart associate over a payment dispute while a loud alarm is sounding, barely resembles the person you knew over the summer. This slow-motion breakup needs to be last one.
At 6:30 p.m. Saturday, your phone buzzes. It’s a text from your lover: “U Up?”
A Season Writ Small
All you need to know about Missouri’s 23-6 loss to Florida, which was pretty much the same game as the previous two, was summed up on the first play of the fourth quarter. In fact, everything you need to know about this football season was encapsulated in that 11-second orgy of errors.
The Fyre Festival of football plays began with the Tigers failing to line up in a legal formation on third-and-13. So, no matter if something positive came next, it wasn’t going to count. As you could have guessed based on the fact Missouri was playing offense, nothing positive was about to happen.
