After Missouri’s first home game of the season, I decided to dive deep on the trends we saw develop at Faurot Field against West Virginia. The important stuff.

Alcohol’s finally for sale to the masses at Memorial Stadium, and after breaking down the film, here’s what your choice of drink at Mizzou games says about you as a fan.

Bud Light

We get it, you’re conservative. You think teams should punt on fourth-and-two in plus-territory early in games. No need to toss the ball around early; let’s just let the ground game and defense do their thing. Wait it out, you know? Oh, but that will change. After your fifth or ninth Crispy Boy, you’re going Air Raid, baby. Fake the field goal, you cowards. Play for the win, not for overtime. Also, it’s possible they just ran out of water.

Michelob Ultra

Much like Mr. Bud Light, you’re conservative, too, but you’re thinking a few moves ahead. In the stands, it’s about not wasting the extra calories. On the football field, you don’t think Missouri should show too much of its playbook too early. Save what you can for late in the game. Win or lose, you’re not going to switch it up. You do what you do. You think you are a better person than all of those full-blown drunks around you. Don’t kid yourself. You’re the guy that pats himself on the back for ordering a Diet Coke with his Baconator meal.

Logboat Bobber and Snapper

Your choice of craft beers correlates to a focus on the advanced stats. “Missouri’s only three of nine on third downs, but historically they convert at a 75-percent rate when the barometric pressure drops below 30.” Sweet. After the Tigers lose a heart-breaker you’ll point out that Bill C.’s SP+ rankings still had Missouri’s win expectancy at 68-percent. Shut it, nerd. Good news: If you drank Snapper, you don’t remember the end of the game anyway.

Boulevard Wheat/ Boulevard Pale Ale

You used to be into advanced stats, but you’re showing your age a bit. You’re going on gut feel, on who has the momentum, on who is just due, man. You spent years saying time of possession was an overrated stat. Now you’re drinking the Nebraska of craft beers. It was great in the 90s and everybody wants to insist it’s still great, but let’s be honest: There are a lot better options out there. Telling me at the start of every night how great it is doesn’t make it true. You’re 39 years old, two kids, decent job. Hey, maybe let’s just run out the clock, am I right?

Bon & Viv

Why hello, Mr. or Mrs. Trendy. Your drink has a hint of cranberry; you want a coach that has a hint of Sean McVay. Your choice of a refreshing drink option shows that you’re not afraid to switch things up. But does the drink -- and your fandom -- have the staying power, especially when things get rough? You didn’t sit through 14 years without a bowl game, did you? You think Missouri really did start playing football the day Chase Daniel (and no, there’s not an S) set foot on campus.

Natural Light’s Naturday

You’ve got a fu manchu, a Baker Mayfield-style headband (you might actually BE Baker Mayfield) and you’re probably wearing cut off jean shorts and a Detlef Schrempf Sonics jersey. You’re here to have a good time, brother, and you want everyone to know it. What game? Let’s get to Harpo’s.

Wine

Wine? People drink wine? At a football game? GTFO.

BYOB

You saw them beat Lynn Dickey and Kansas State for the Big Eight title. You saw Pepper Rodgers flash the peace sign and Dan Devine return half of it. You saw them beat Nebraska in 1973 and then again in 2003. You rode Woody’s Wagon and stood by Bob Stull and rejoiced when Larry Smith led them to the Holiday Bowl, thinking that was as good as it could ever get. Sneaking a flask in one of the 42 pockets of your cargo shorts or tucked into your tighty whities has been good enough for you for the last 50 years. It was good enough for your dad. It was good enough for your dad’s dad. You’ll pry nine dollars and my flask of Apple Crown out of my cold, dead hands you greedy bastards.

Bottoms up, Tiger fans!