SETTING: DINING ROOM, THE SHOW-ME STATE, THANKSGIVING DAY
HERB and JUNE sit at the head of the table, surrounded by generations of offspring. Spread before them is a starchy feast. The table chatter quiets as Herb clinks his fork against an ice-filled tumbler of amber liquid. He is ready to offer the prayer.
HERB: Lord, I would like to thank you for all you’ve bestowed upon us in the last year. We were blessed with favorable weather that led to a bountiful harvest. We welcomed two more beautiful grandchildren. My lovely bride of 50 years won the Powerball with a ticket she found on the ground outside the QuikTrip. My Stage 4 lung cancer was cured. And yet …
JUNE (whispering to her children): Your father has been drinking since Tuesday.
HERB: And yet, Lord, I can’t help but wonder what we have done to offend you. Why do you give us more than we can bear? Why, for instance, did you bestow upon my son-in-law Walt a healthy pair of L3-L4 vertebrae, when, near as I can tell, all he uses them for is to remain in a seated upright position on the couch playing the Xbox all day while my daughter goes to work, cooks dinner, takes care of the kids and vacuums around him. I didn’t realize a man needed a healthy spine to fill the bong with the marijuana!
JUNE (places hand on WALT’S shoulder): He doesn’t mean it. You know how he gets.
HERB: Lord, I don’t mean to be critical, because I am grateful the tornado that was headed right for us last summer took a turn at the last second, but come on. You give us the best recruits in the nation three times, and they turn out to be TVZ, DGB and MPJ. What, I ask you, do they have in common?
WALT (meekly): Lots of consonants?
HERB: Shut the hell up, Walt! If I wanted your feedback, I’d ask which “Star Wars” movie was the best.
WALT (cheerfully): Obviously “The Empire Strikes Back.”
JUNE: Who’s ready for turkey?
HERB: Clearly what these young men have in common is they have failed to bring us the joy we so richly deserve. No Final Fours, no football national titles, some sort of devil business in the North End Zone. You’ll recall Tyus Edney. Surely, no other school’s basketball team has lost improbably at the buzzer in the NCAA Tournament.
JUNE: Yes, we hear all about the curses every time a receiver drops a pass on second-and-5. But count your blessings. Remember the miraculous recovery of your old bird dogs, Brad and Chase, after they were run over by the combine. Also, the football team has won five games in a row.
HERB: Yeah, against crappy competition. And they’re probably doing just well enough for Drew Lock to turn pro and screw me out of a fourth year of eligibility.
JUNE: In fairness, you spent most of September declaring he was a bust. Can we please just eat?
HERB: Honey, it’s a little hard to enjoy your now-room-temperature mashed potatoes when, 57 years ago, Kansas used an ineligible player and cost us a national title. Bert Coan. BERT COAN!!!
WALT: My favorite Coen brothers’ movie is “Barton Fink.” Way underrated.
HERB: Seriously, Walt, the marijuana is becoming a problem.
WALT: Listen to you wallowing in pity, Pops. Maybe a college sports program is simply an object of common interest for a state and not a referendum on our personal self-worth or our standing with the man upstairs. Maybe our team’s failures — much like my own sketchy personal legal history — are part of a rich historical tapestry that gives us familiar stories to retell when we gather for Thanksgiving. Our shared suffering binds us together.
JUNE (sighs): And for that we footed the bill for two years of law school?
HERB (silently ponders the true meaning of the holiday, although all the liquor and his blind rage toward his son-in-law make it difficult to focus): Well, I suppose the second half of the football season has been fun. And the basketball program seems to be back on the right track thanks to the players Michael Porter Jr. recruited.
WALT: That’s the spirit, Pops.
HERB: Go to hell, Walt.
THE END
