Barry Odom previewed Missouri’s spring football game by saying, “I hope it looks like watching paint dry.” And with that, members of the athletic department’s ticket office quietly bowed their heads, opened their laptops and updated their LinkedIn profiles.
If his salesmanship is hovering below the Willy Loman line, Odom has succeeded in keeping Missouri on a drama-free, low-profile trajectory throughout the offseason and preseason. There is something to be said for that.
Boredom is underrated. When the poop hits the fan, people always think sports reporters are delirious because controversy sells newspapers. This could not be more inaccurate. Controversy doesn’t sell newspapers. Black Friday ads sell newspapers. That’s pretty much it. And even if controversy did sell newspapers, reporters aren’t working on commission.
Here are the things that make sports reporters happy: vacations that aren’t interrupted by frantic calls from editors; 11 a.m. kickoffs; and one-on-one interviews with important people that end in the phrase, “Let me give you my cell number.”
Scandals are better observed at a distance from which you don’t spend 10 hours in a parking lot outside a closed meeting. Also, from a distance you can pass judgment without concern that the same people whose Likes and Retweets you previously viewed as validation of a job well done are now wishing the Ebola virus upon you.
This is a long way of saying nothing much of interest has happened in Missouri athletics in the last seven days, so I will have fun at someone else’s expense. Who better than Ohio State, whose administration fiddled a day away Wednesday before announcing that it would not be firing football coach Urban Meyer but rather suspending him for three games? He lied often and vehemently — in the way experienced liars do — to cover up his role in keeping creepy assistant coach Zach Smith on the Buckeyes staff despite Smith being a wife-beater, and, anecdotally, a fancy underpants man.
Some observers initially thought Meyer would be fired, but those people failed to remember that Meyer is the nation’s second-best college football coach. Here is a handy key to explain how a scandal will be resolved depending on the success of the coach involved.
Legendary coach
Smoke screen: Attack the messenger.
Plausibly deniable excuse: I trusted the wrong people because I trust too much.
Fireable offense: Incarceration — the real kind where people make shanks out of cafeteria spoons, not the kind where you get weekend passes.
Winning coach
Smoke screen: We’re still gathering the facts.
Plausibly deniable excuse: The real culprit was that sacrificial staff member right over there.
Fireable offense: Losing to Illinois.
Losing coach
Smoke screen: Off the record, he wasn’t a good fit with our family atmosphere.
Plausibly deniable excuse: He went crazy. Like, he literally punches dogs. And I mean the tiny ones, too, with the adorable little scrunched-up faces. You didn’t hear that from me, but, you know, you probably wouldn’t be wrong if you wrote that.
Fireable offense: Anything that can help us not pay him for the last three years of his contract.
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Thanks to the thorough — and I do mean thorough — reporting of Brett McMurphy, we now know that Smith ordered several exotic manhood accessories and had them delivered to his office at the Buckeyes’ football facility in 2015. It seemed like a lot of accoutrements for one man’s undercarriage, but, when you think about it, the appendage in question did make numerous multimedia appearances that year, including posed photos in the White House and action shots in his office.
If it’s worth displaying, it’s worth bedazzling. One doesn’t roll up to the Academy Awards in a 1987 Corolla.
McMurphy reported that Smith, who more seriously is accused of spousal abuse, spent $2,200 on sex toys with baffling descriptions. A coach should be very comfortable in the world of exotic male garments, whose names are almost indistinguishable from football terminology. For the rest of us, it’s a little more challenging to understand whether we’re ordering a fishnet jockstrap or a screen pass.
To test your skills, take the quiz.
Zach Smith Sex Toy or West Coast Offense Play Call?
Spider Enhancer Thong Triple Ring
Flare Harness
Spider 2 Y Banana
Snake FB Bag Flat
WildmanT Ball Lifter
Brown Right Snag A Spear
Answers
1, 2, 5: Zach Smith Sex Toy
3, 4, 6: West Coast Offense Play Call
Scoring Key
If you scored 1-4, you are probably wearing a sensible pair of Hanes. If you scored 5, you are probably an employee of The Olde Un. If you scored 6, you are probably Jon Gruden.
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Since the aforementioned Smith is currently unemployable as a football coach, I recommend that he stay close to the game by opening his own tout service, especially since gambling on college sports will soon be legal in states that approve it.
I could see Smith delivering his locks of the week and gold-star guaranteed winners to fans eager for his insight. Imagine how valuable this information could be to a particular segment of the gambling public.
The current odds of Kansas winning the Big 12 championship are 100-to-1. You might be tempted to throw $16 at the Jayhawks, because for the price of one Metallic Erotic C-Strap you could earn enough money to buy six Almost Naked Dare Thongs.
DON’T DO IT.
A Metallic Erotic C-Strap in the hand is worth more than six Almost Naked Dare Thongs in the bush!
