The Missouri football team’s season opener against Tennessee-Martin allegedly will air Saturday on the SEC Network (Alternate), which is a pretend station with a real agenda: infuriating the elderly.
If a game is sequestered to this parenthetical outpost, it is so lacking in mass appeal that it needs some manufactured drama in the week leading up to kickoff. The trick — perpetrated by a cabal of television executives, athletic administrators and complicit media — is to create demand for an inferior product by restricting its supply to the only demographic that still pays for its various services.
The TV executives could surely find a spot for even the least appealing college football game on one of their actual networks, but that would make it too easy. The athletic administrators take the ball and advance it down the field, informing the public on their websites to “check their local listings” for where to find the SEC Network (Alternate). That passes the ball to local newspapers and TV and radio stations, who begin fielding calls from retirees looking for straight answers. The media members do as they’ve been taught, answering every question with another question that only ratchets up the frustration level.
Caller: “What channel is the game on?”
Responder: “Who is your cable or satellite provider?”
Caller: “I think my provider is Channel 8. Is that the one with Doppler Dave?”
Responder: “Which package do you have?”
Caller: “The one with the stuff, all the channels with the naked and afraid people eating skunks and that political guy I don’t agree with. Don’t you know the one?”
Responder: “Why don’t you just watch it on your phone?”
Caller: “What number do I call?”
Responder: “Have you downloaded the app?”
Caller: “This is a rotary phone.”
Responder: “Can you watch it on your computer?”
Caller: “Just a second. H-T-T-P …”
Responder: “Of course to watch it online, you’ll have to know your cable or satellite provider and password. You do know your provider and password, don’t you?”
Caller: “Is that the Channel 8 and the AOL or the Ask Jeeves?”
Responder: “Yes, I think so. Enjoy the game!”
