Looks like I picked a bad week to stop expecting the worst. In this space seven days ago, using some cockamamie logic, I said worst-case scenarios weren’t worth considering. Then Missouri lost its season opener at Wyoming.
I might have mentioned this before, but never take my advice. I’m just making this stuff up as I go. But, to be fair, it would have been hard to imagine everything that had to go wrong for the Tigers to lose would, in fact, go wrong.
It was a night of incompetence … and incontinence.
The Cowboys seemed like a favorable matchup in that they can’t throw the ball and don’t really even try. That should have rendered moot the Tigers’ biggest weakness: defensive ends as active as the university’s iconic columns. But knowing what’s coming doesn’t matter if you can’t tackle, and that was the problem on two killer touchdown runs of 60-plus yards. Those two plays and Missouri’s three turnovers — which potentially swung the score by 20 points — were too much to overcome.
Speaking of knowing what’s coming and not being able to stop it, what was with all the catheter ads during the game on CBS Sports Network? Perhaps it was unique to the cable provider of the establishment where I watched the game, but we got the commercials intended for a “Gunsmoke” marathon on MeTV. It was reassuring that no matter how bad the game was, at least Medicare and private insurance would cover up to 200 free catheters per month.
Mizzou fans, your team just lost to a middling Mountain West opponent, but just know this: “You can use a sterile catheter every time you cath!”
I hadn’t anticipated spending so much time thinking about urine on Saturday night. Going into the game I was focused on two questions that had nothing whatsoever to do with pee. Had a productive defensive end developed or materialized out of thin air? And how would offensive coordinator Derek Dooley customize his scheme to suit mobile quarterback Kelly Bryant?
The defensive ends weren’t noticeable, but that wasn’t a big surprise. I was more disappointed that Dooley did an unimaginative job of adapting the offense to the skills of Bryant. There didn’t seem to be much adapting at all. I agree with not leaning too heavily on designed runs for Bryant, because he has to stay in one piece for 12 games, but the exception is near the goal line.
Josh Henson wasn’t a brilliant offensive coordinator, but he was smart enough to let James Franklin run speed option when Missouri needed 2 yards or less in 2013. Bryant isn’t quite as physical as Franklin, but he’s a fast 225-pounder who could create headaches for defenders if he were doing something other than handing off or standing in the pocket and trying to throw into a confined space. Let him run some option, bootlegs or even just spread out the defense and run quarterback draws. It seemed Dooley’s game plan was predicated on Missouri’s offensive line mauling Wyoming, which it mostly certainly did not.
Congratulations to the Cowboys for being sturdy up front defensively, for not caving when they quickly fell behind 14-0 and for running the ball with attitude. Running back Xazavian Valladay gained 102 yards after contact, according to Pro Football Focus, and quarterback Sean Chambers sprung himself on a 75-yard TD run with a devastating stiff arm of safety Joshuah Bledsoe. Those tackles don’t break themselves, folks.
I was pleasantly surprised by Bryant’s accuracy and arm. He made a few bad decisions — an across-his-body floater into the end zone that was intercepted and a predetermined throw into triple coverage on MU’s final play — but played well overall.
In the spirit of positivity, I will give a few other backhanded compliments.
*The coaches made the correct choice in the offseason when they pondered which wide receiver might benefit from a switch to defense and decided against Johnathan Nance.
*I’m not an outfit guy, but I would like the Tigers to stick with the road uniforms they wore at Wyoming. It was a clean look and refreshingly anthracite-free.
*Crappy as that loss was, I view it as a game that sliced one win off the previously predicted total rather than a sign of a bad season to come. There are too many holdovers from a solid 2018 team for the 2019 Tigers to stink. But, as you should know by now, don’t take my word for it.
PowerMizzou Swap Shop
Lightly used bottle of beet juice available. Cannot confirm alleged medicinal properties as a performance enhancer at altitude. Can confirm this product will not aid in your ability to tackle. Asking 50 cents or best offer.
Defense of the Indefensible
While we’re on the subject of people who wish they could urinate in a toilet, in this week’s Defense of the Indefensible, I applaud Liberty’s Hugh Freeze for coaching from a hospital bed last week.
Freeze wasn’t cathing Saturday night in the Flames’ 24-0 loss to Syracuse, but he revealed on Barstool Sports’ “Pardon My Take” podcast that he had to pee so badly in the middle of the third quarter that assistant coaches shielded him from the press box window so he could relieve himself. He didn’t specify the receptacle, but it was probably not the worst place that thing has been, given his firing from Ole Miss for hooker-related “moral turpitude.”
It would be reasonable to question why Freeze was trying to coach in the first place, since he clearly had not fully recovered from a life-threatening staph infection. But as any first-year coach will attest, you must set the tone early for what will or won’t be tolerated. If you’re not currently attached to a ventilator, you will be listed as probable on the injury report.
Some Closing Thoughts on Drinking at the Game
As someone who has drunk alcohol in a wide variety of locations, including a Baptist church, I think the worst place to drink is a stadium. The prices are high. It’s a hassle to get to and from the bathrooms. And you are wedged into a confined space and surrounded by drunks who are never as funny as they think they are.
With all that said, I agree with Missouri’s decision to sell beer and wine to the masses at football games. Why should wealthy fans in the suites be able to drink overpriced Bud Lights while the common man has to buy an overpriced Coke, step into a bathroom stall and spike it with the Jim Beam he smuggled inside in a flask? It just doesn’t seem right to make criminals of the 99 percenters when you could be making more money off of them.
Apparently, other schools have found that selling beer in the stadium cuts down on bad behavior because fans don’t binge right before the game starts. That might be true, although the most enthusiastic drinkers don’t consider binging before the game and buying beer during the game to be mutually exclusive options. These are the people who will be sitting behind you, and they will have many, many important things to say loudly. If you think I have suggestions for Derek Dooley, you ain’t heard nothing yet.
