What Just Happened? Vol. 58

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This marks the end of another season of “What Just Happened?” I have dragged readers along on a journey with recurring themes of ennui, death and novelty underpants. It got all dark and sexual. Not dark and sexual in a “Cat People” starring Nastassja Kinski on HBO after your parents went to bed kind of way. More like a guy who dropped out of community college and is working the night shift at an adult superstore on I-70 and, uh-oh, a homicidal trucker just pulled into the parking lot kind of way.

You have many online choices for your existential dread and college football erotica, so thanks for choosing this little corner of the internet.

What has happened since August? It goes without saying that we’re all seven months closer to death. I like to remind people of their mortality from time to time just to keep the blown double-digit second-half leads in perspective. When the reaper extends his bony grip and the last things you hear are the flat-line drone of your heart monitor and the disinterested chatter at the nurse’s station down the hall, you probably won’t even remember that pass interference penalty in the Kentucky game. Take comfort in that.

While we’re all still here, let’s review what just happened.

When this trip began, things were pretty dull in Columbia. Not so in Columbus, where recently fired Ohio State assistant coach Zach Smith’s dirty laundry was revealed. In this case, the laundry was actually laundry and really dirty, as in the publication of a detailed list of $2,200 worth of naughty items Smith ordered from Amazon and had delivered to the Buckeyes’ football complex. That was in addition to revelations Smith had beaten his wife for a long time and head coach Urban Meyer had taken his sweet time to do anything about it.

That began a tumultuous year for Meyer, who was suspended for the first three games and spent the second half of the season clutching his head in pain on the sideline before “retiring.” If you believe Meyer won’t be coaching again in a few years, could I interest you in a lightly used Spider Enhancer Thong Triple Ring, the proceeds of which probably will be spent at the worst massage parlor in central Ohio?

In the middle of football season, the only question for Missouri fans was whether the persons most responsible for their despair were their own coaches or SEC officials. MU lost games to South Carolina and Kentucky that ensured every argument that the season ultimately was a success would include a sentence beginning with the phrase, “Yeah, but …”

The Tigers lost to South Carolina despite averaging 6.2 yards per rush — a feat they would replicate in the Liberty Bowl, when they lost to Oklahoma State despite averaging 6.3 yards per rush — and did not pick up a first down in the entire second half of a one-point loss to Kentucky. Against South Carolina, Damarea Crockett’s 70-yard touchdown run came off the board when grainy video shot through a monsoon convinced a replay official that Crockett had stepped out of bounds on the 11-yard line. Against Kentucky, a pass interference penalty on DeMarkus Acy was conjured on the spot to give the Wildcats an extra untimed down they used to score the winning touchdown.

When faced with the difficult choice between lashing out at their coaches or blaming a vast SEC conspiracy, most Missouri fans decided these were not mutually exclusive options. If any bile remained in the depleted livers of these poor fans, it was secreted at the mention of the damaged connective tissue of another Porter.

The second-annual Barry Odom/Drew Lock comeback tour began in Gainesville, Florida. Just one week after the Tigers inexplicably blew their late lead against Kentucky to drop to 0-4 in the SEC, they crushed the 11th-ranked Gators 38-17 in The Swamp to start a four-game winning streak. It was the finest hour for Lock, who beat a ranked opponent for the first time in his final attempt, and for Odom, who has shown a knack for galvanizing players after disheartening losses. It’s a skill everyone would prefer he show off less often, but it’s nice to know it’s there when he needs it.

The competency of officials is an evergreen topic during and after games. That is understandable. Less logically, fans often suggest officials are biased against their team, which assumes refs care enough about that team to actively plot its demise. The best way disabuse yourself of this notion is to attend a game in which the crowd is split evenly. Every call, or lack thereof, is met with outrage. It seems like an unpleasant way to enjoy yourself.

This point was driven home at the Braggin’ Rights game when I sat on press row near the dividing line between Missouri and Illinois fans. Just behind me sat a Missouri fan in a full Santa Claus costume. It was three days before Christmas, the Tigers were on their way to beating the Illini for the first time in six years, St. Nick had a front-row midcourt seat … and he never stopped complaining about the officiating. He repeatedly screamed, “You have no integrity!” After one outburst, the not-so-jolly old elf sat down and quietly said to his neighbor, “Santa is angry.” If Father Christmas can’t enjoy himself while watching the Tigers, what hope do the rest of you have?

When the NCAA announced it would release the findings of its investigation into Missouri on Jan. 31, I paused for a minute and thought, “What investigation of Missouri?” Things had been so quiet on the Yolanda Kumar front, I had forgotten that the investigation the tutor spawned in 2016 was still a thing.

The NCAA dropped a bunker buster on a Missouri molehill in a case in which MU cooperated, forced the athletes in question to sit out games and was not found to have pressured Kumar to cheat. The postseason ban and recruiting restrictions could kill the momentum the football program was gaining with an eight-win season and the addition of coveted transfer quarterback Kelly Bryant. The appeal hearing might be the biggest must-win of Odom’s tenure.

Rebuilding seasons are like camping trips. It’s exciting to make plans. After the fact, it’s fun to remember the time a raccoon ate a can of Skoal left on the picnic table. But when it’s 3 a.m. and you’ve just been roused from a fitful sleep after consuming nothing but Pringles and Busch Lights for the duration of a 98-degree day and you realize your tent is 100 yards from the campsite’s bathroom, which is infested by spiders and flooded with an inch of brackish liquid, that’s when you would pay $1,000 for a room at the nearest Motel 6. The NIT is that Motel 6.

Everyone in Missouri with access to a keyboard or microphone has had their chance to immortalize one of the true one-namers in Mizzou athletics history: Sophie.

She has a last name, but you could spend those three syllables getting a head start on your gushing, because everyone knew who you were talking about and agreed with whatever praise you were about to heap on her. She plays with a big smile and a mean streak and a pair of rolled-up shorts. She willed Missouri to an overtime victory over Kentucky in the SEC Tournament quarterfinals by scoring 29 points. That positioned her to break Joni Davis’ MU career scoring record the next day against Mississippi State, which she did, giving her the rightful title of Queen of Missouri Basketball in addition to her other honorary positions, such as Mayor of Columbia.

All that remains is the NCAA Tournament — the final chapter of her college career — and one in which she has some unfinished business after early exits the last three years. Then, presumably, the next challenge is the WNBA, where Sophie will try to make a first name for herself again.

I realize most people come to this website for in-depth recruiting information, breaking news, analysis, granular discussions of whether Parker Braun will average a triple-double next season and creepy yearnings for Missouri’s best male and female athletes to hook up and create superbabies. Nowhere on that list are weekly musings on the inevitability of death after a life of minor consequence nor deep dives into the underwear drawers of disgraced former football coaches.

For those followed along anyway, thanks for reading. We have reached the end of our journey. You should probably spend next Friday morning getting your affairs in order, just in case.